im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
