i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
