There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
