Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
