I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
