Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
