just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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