Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
