I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
