well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
