She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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