I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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