Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
