I wish my penis had an off switch
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
