Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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