Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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