I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
The Olympian is in my bed
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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