Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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