hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
