i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
