that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
All I want is dick and wine.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
