When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
