I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
