Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
