Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
