K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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