awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
