He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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