oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
