swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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