Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
