we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
