she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
