Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
