I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
