Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
