hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
