she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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