I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
