You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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