Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
They are going to name an STD after you.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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