hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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