I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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