I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
