hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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