Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
