Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
