i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
