I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
