Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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