Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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